My Heart

20Aug07

I wasn’t one of those textbook moms, who falls in love with their baby at first sight. I was honestly in such a haze for the first several days that I can’t recall feeling much of anything. Lily-Ann’s birth was quite honestly the worst experience of my life. After such a horrible beginning, it was tough. It really was. I couldn’t hold her for more than a few minutes (due to pain at the incision site). I couldn’t change her (for the same reason). I couldn’t bathe her. I couldn’t take care of her.

On top of feeling the physical pain from the surgery, I was also loaded with guilt. I felt like such a bad mom. All the things that should come easy, should come naturally, didn’t. I couldn’t even produce enough milk to feed her (because of a breast reduction roughly 8 years ago). We had a pretty rough go of it… but because of my having such a hard beginning, Damon has ended up with a daughter who worships the ground he walks on, and he is completely wrapped around her little finger. THAT I wouldn’t change for anything.

Lily-Ann is a month old today, and she completely has my heart. I still have trouble with some things – like carrying her, or holding her for more than about ten minutes – but things are definitely getting better. As I heal physically, I’m healing emotionally too. The more time that gets put between us and the C-section, the better things get. As terrible an experience as her birth was, it was a blessing none the less. After all, I would never ever wish to erase the event that brought me my little Strawberry, no matter how traumatic.

Lily really has become my whole world. So, despite it all, even without the textbook beginning, I’ve ended up being one of those moms. You know. The ones who are completely in love with their precious, perfect babies… and who bores everyone to tears with all the talk about how amazing their little one really, truly is.

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