Will I Love E?

22May07

This may sound like an absurd worry to some… but it’s a worry for me none the less. So many soon-to-be moms that I’ve visited with are already in love with their little one, before they even arrive. Personally, I have no such feelings.

Logically I’m quite aware that it’s a baby growing inside my ever expanding midriff, but honestly? It’s still a completely abstract concept. I think it’s neat, I think it’s exciting. I love watching my belly move about as if it’s got a life of it’s own. Despite all this, there is no feeling of love, or even of connection at this point. Should I not, at the VERY least, feel connected to the life inside of me? Feel some sort of bond? There is nothing. No link or tie. No attachment.

I know others will insist that it will come. I WILL have all these feelings and more… but how can anyone be certain, when I myself, am not? Will I love E when E arrives, or will there continue to be a disconnect there? E is neat, E is exciting, E is interesting… but E is not loved and treasured. That’s not a good thought.

The closer we get to our due date, the more of a disconnect I feel. I realize it’s probably a stress reaction, but I really am feeling less and less of a bond as the clock continues to bring us closer to E’s arrival. Everyone around me can’t wait for E to get here, and here I am wishing I was back in the second trimester with more time.

I don’t have enough time.

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